Matt and I are very busy with real life issues. I personally am working 12 hour days to a tight deadline so cannot put in much into writing articles to keep you lot occupied. So please talk amongst yourselves.
Say anything, write short stories, post a poem or two, repeat some internet meme, share a joke.
If you feel like writing a short article please let us know. You can see our contact details in the About/Contact link at the top of this page. Anything from 100 words quicky up to a 1000 word essay are welcome. Just let us know your byline (to keep your anonymity) and a suggestion for a picture to use.
I'm a oldish lad who is sad that so much of life is making him mad.
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Er … I can’t think of anything to say. This is so embarrassing.
Mr Fowke had nothing to say:
Well, isn’t this always the way?
Ms Smudd can’t compose
Witty poem or prose
So embarrassed they’ll both have to stay.
“What if a powerful media conglomerate, such as modern day William Randolph Hearst, controlled the media around a major University to influence students and professors to directly advance his financial interests? I have found that person, HM Lord Lieutenant Richard Jewson, who 1) has a direct connection to the British monarchy, 2) is on the board of many multi-national “green” corporations, 3) directly controls a major media market servicing EA University and other British Universities, and 4) as a member of the board of EAU (sic), has significant control over their environmental studies department.”
More:
http://www.stopcp.com/cpclimategate.php
.
Da da da dah da dah da di, da da dah da dah da di, di di dah di da, da da da da dah da di…….pan to potter’s wheel……di da di di di da, da………
Sorry, you will note the obvious omission of the dah between the di and the da.
In view of the deafenining silence, I thought I’d share one of my standard letters with you.
Automated reply for “Customer Surveys” received by post with reply paid envelope:
Dear Sirs.
I refer to your request for information .
My fee for this form completion service payable in advance is £65.00.
Payment may be made by cash, cheque, debit or credit card. Please allow four working days for clearance of your cheque in case you’re impecunious or it’s forged. Payment by credit card will incur an additional charge of 5%.
I trust you will find my fees extremely competitive when compared with that charged by my G.P., health professional, M.P., Solicitor, the local Council, Register Offices, Somerset House and every other Tom, Dick or Harry who think that unlike them I do things for f**k all.
Thank you for your enquiry and I await your further instructions.
Yours Faithfully
I always fancied the idea of composing a form for applying for a job, for the prospective employer to fill in.
A list of previous holders of the position, so I could seek references. Dates, and salary paid. Reasons why they left.
Why would you like me to work here?
Qualifications and experience of my employer. Also their hobbies and interests.
CRB check.
Etc.
Nice idea for honesty’s sake Z, but wouldn’t it come over as arrogant unless you really have something to offer that they’re desperate to have?
Have you ever applied for a job you didn’t want, just for the fun of being arrogant?
Er, perhaps it”s just me.
I wish I were a glow-worm,
I never would be glum,
How could you be miserable,
When the sun shines out your bum.
Electro Angst Unlimited – Institution
This nightmare that I had
woke up in the bridal suite
And thought “my, this is worse than bad”
just where on earth did I meet
That chick with whom I share this room?
Champagne’s inappropriate
right now and so are those balloons
got no cause to celebrate
This nightmare that I had
woke up wondering what the heck
happened? This ring upon my hand
just like a noose around my neck,
I know this gorgeous thing in here
will now morph into a witch
And I’ll live out my life in fear
soon I will become her bitch
I said,
I just don’t wanna know
Got somewhere I have to go
Mulled over the mess I’d made
reached right for that razorblade
Slashed my wrists until they bled
clear thoughts running through my head
You’ve joined this glorious institution
meet your new friend destitution
This nightmare that I had
woke up everyone’s but mine
And what makes this especially sad
is twelve hours ago I was fine
With my headache and memory gap
I try to re-trace my steps
And I realise now that I’m trapped
in vows that just can’t be kept
I said,
I just don’t wanna know
Got somewhere I have to go
Mulled over the mess I’d made
reached right for that razorblade
Slashed my wrists until they bled
clear thoughts running through my head
You’ve joined this glorious institution
meet your new friend destitution
Destitution
Destitution
http://outspokenrabbit.blogspot.com/
I wish I were a caterpillar
Life would be a farce.
All day I’d climb up shrubs and trees
And slide down on my hands and knees.
A jaundiced ditty about the 90% who give the rest a bad name.
An Ode to the Ignoscenti
(With apologies to the considerate few!)
(Suggested tune – Humoresque.)
Here they come, you can’t ignore them – pers’nal watercraft they call ‘em,
Makes the Bay sound like a racing circuit;
They ‘re joined by friends in larger craft whose antics often are as daft;
Insisting on their right to use the sea.
The noise they make, it doesn’t matter, all the day the peace they shatter,
Roaring up and down just off the shoreline;
Other folk just have to bear it, these are men who never care;
Insisting on their right to use the sea.
To swim is not the safest hobby when you see the pow’rboat lobby
Yards offshore and going like the clappers;
Thirty knots in shallow water – chop you up without a thought;
Insisting on their right to use the sea.
Eyes only for the skier astern they blindly go into a turn,
Oblivious to whatever lies before them;
The wake they leave makes swimmers choke but that’s no problem for these blokes;
Insisting on their right to use the sea.
See the dinghies roll and wallow, anger they’ll just have to swallow,
Powercraft people have no thought for slow boats;
Don’t ever think to remonstrate, their answer you may contemplate –
Insisting on their right to use the sea.
We’d like these folk to have their fun well out to sea where there’s no one
Who’ll suffer from their noise and youthful frolics;
But out at sea they can’t impress the beach-bound with their wealth and zest
So we all suffer for their right to use the sea!
I felt a wash of (guilty) schadenfreude when I read this article in The Guardian recently:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/24/america-pregnant-women-murder-charges
I really thought that someone like Velvet Glove, Iron Fist would have picked up on it by now. I realise that the actual issues behind the whole thing are a little more complicated (ie: religious conservatism in the US, at what point does a foetus “count” as a human being etc etc) but I found the broad strokes of the thing highly entertaining:
(1) Newspaper report (rightly) filled with outrage at the idea that the state should criminalise the behaviours of people which (could) result in them harming themselves – namely, pregnant women.
(2) Same newspaper (and its readers) has no problem with (and indeed, wholeheartedly endorses) the idea that the state should criminalise behaviours of people which (could) result in them harming themselves – namely, smokers, drinkers and the overweight.
It fascinates me that the same demographic can hold two such contradictory views in the same sphere of “thought”: women’s bodies are theirs to do with as they please, no matter what (and quite rightly so, at least in this writer’s view), but other people’s bodies are NOT theirs to do with as they please, and we’ll do what it takes to put the boot in.
One would hope that this might be the start of some kind of salutary lesson to these people: keep out of messing with things, because although today it might be something with which you personally disagree, sooner or later someone will come gunning for something which is rather dear to your heart.
Ah ha, somebody else did notice it:
http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2011/06/rumbling-thunder.html
May I ask the collected wise heads for counsel?
Is there an etiquette for collecting a parcel that a delivery driver has left at a house occupied by a complete stranger? Particularly a stranger who keeps his curtains drawn all the time and has a procession of young and attractive female visitors?
Wear a miniskirt & plenty of make-up.