An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit the new city of Milton Keynes on Wednesday morning.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying “bang out of order”, “mental” and “sorted”. Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Newport Pagnell! Some residents of Fishermead were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!
The earthquake decimated half of the Fullers Slade area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
One resident of Netherfield, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said “It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4,000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.
Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.
H/t NikLowe via SmallWorldNewsService
SBML
I'm a oldish lad who is sad that so much of life is making him mad.
{ 27 comments }
The thing I always remember about Milton Keynes is 6.7 miles, 13 roundabouts, seven minutes (and 2am, so no traffic). If you stray off the main road then you’ll be lost in a twisty maze of roundabouts, never to emerge.
I’m surprised anyone outside the place would even notice such an earthquake, unless a survivor made it to Bletchley to raise the alarm.
Ah – Milton Keynes.
The earth once moved for me there. Twenty five years later, I still feel occasional aftershocks.
My daughter has been trying to escape MK for nearly a year now. Unfortunately, it’s constructed in such a way that you end up in an endless circle of gruesome roundabouts planned to make any attempt at leaving, virtually impossible
Sounds like Dundee.
Milton Keynes sounds like a metaphor for our imprisonment in the unyieldingly anti-democratic grip of EU entrapment, where no matter which way the voters turn, there is always a party in power thet refuses to give us a say in lessening the burden from the EU of:
– EU taxes
– EU petty rules
– EU mass immigration
– EU suppresion of democratic representation
– EU corruption
– EU loony spending plans (yesterday, us British taxpayers were told that we HAVE to bail out Portugal with 3 billion pounds!)
Instead, our so-called representative politicians perversely thrust us further down into the the USSR-styled post-democratic EU quagmire .
And here’s one about the Essex Earthquake written in 2006 which finishes:
“Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked, “ROMFORD” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”
Hilarious.
Cascadian was raised in Romford-”an’ not da posh part neever”-in those days working class families were aspirational. A generation of socialist politics put paid to that.
I see from the updates in the Daily Mail that Brentwood which was always considered snooty in my day has been infested.
You can take the boy of out Essex-thank goodness.
The earthquake may be a spoof, but surely this is as well? From the council’s mission statement:
“Milton Keynes Council is working to deliver the vision of Milton Keynes as a city that thinks differently, embraces evolution and champions change.”
Embraces evolution? I can hear Darwin giggling from here….
I’ve seen this with Basildon replacing Milton Keynes, with the addition:
“Rescue workers pulled a bloodstained young female from the rubble, asking ‘Where are you bleeding from?’
‘Romford, geezer, what’s it bleedin’ got to do wiv that, eh?’ she replied.”
Damn, Joe Public beat me to it!
Given your comment on Newport Pagnell (a spoof ‘something interesting happened’), I am reminded of the Confucian curse: “May you live in interesting times.”
Of course, I’m a bit biased: it’s the town of my birth, the home town of 2/3 of my childhood and youth, the home now and for 51 years of my mother.
Still, for interesting, try the flood of 1998: and why the floodwaters surged through a gap in a bund specifically built to protect a particular area from flooding.
Also, why a largish chunk of Newport Pagnell is still subject to significant flood risk, though the floodwaters would have to pass through a narrow part of the town, that could be protected by modest investment.
Best regards
It is such an honour to be in the company of those who can show by their witty writing that they think they are superior to those about whom they are writing.
Own goal, surely, gladiolys?
Ooh, touchee
And there we have the left in a nutshell – people who work hard, educate themselves, behave with respect and dignity towards others must never, ever feel that they are somehow better than anyone who does not do any of those things.
I’m from Essex. And no, not everyone is a tattoed and pierced violent yob with a PNC list as long as your arm. but you know what? Those that aren’t despise those that are.
And that’s just how it should be.
Who says you are better? Subjectively you may feel you are, but objectively? You are different and have had different experiences. These are not “bad” people because they have done “bad” things, because even “good” people occasionally screw up. People learn as they get older, and sometimes from bad experiences good things can happen (I was going to use a metaphor of manure here, but you get the point). A tattooed 50-year-old may not have the same attitudes that the 18-year-old who got that tattoo had, but people, as you point out, will still sit in judgement on the decisions he made 30+ years ago..
This is not “the left in a nutshell”; I don’t represent any political affiliation. It’s the opinion of someone from Kent, who grew up in council estates around a naval town, who was taught dignity and respect as part of a working class ethos that says you don’t judge people by how they look or what they say but by what they do and how they treat you. Not unlike Essex, really.
People are indeed judging them on that basis. The best worker I ever came across was tattoed & pierced to the point you couldn’t tell at first glance what colour he was!
But – and it’s a big but – he was a nice decent lad underneath. But he didn’t blame anyone for taking his personal choices at face value and giving him a wide berth.
The rest? Well, as soon as they open their mouths – which they inevitably do – you can tell them for what they are.
And yes. I’m better than them. I’m educated, I work, I’m polite and I have no criminal record (and not just because I’ve never been caught).
I was in Christchurch when the earthquake hit. I know people in Japan. Probably explains why I don’t find this funny.
It’s ok, the last version of this I saw was about a tornado.
Here’s hoping Dorothy and her little dog don’t show up to complain about that…
It’s not making fun of Japan or New Zealand. It takes the piss out of Milton Keynes. It could be written about any sink estate in any town in the UK. It’s sterotyping the fact that some areas of Britain are extremely rough.
In fact I praise the Japanese in my post about the re-building (http://www.annaraccoon.com/reflections/how-to-cope-with-a-disaster)
Give a namecheck tribute to Claud Cockburn for claiming the original headline “Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead”.
I was born and grew up in a village close to , but not yet swallowed up by MK.
The ‘original’ MK is still there: a little Bucks village with a green and a church, surrounded by acres of Barratt-style housing.
MK is and always has been vile; the apogee of ’60′s town planning. High suicide rates, high teenage pregnancy rates,and the cycle lanes and green areas proved to be a paradise for muggers and rapists. The estate-style developments proved to be w/out any kind of social focus; the ‘city centre’ is bleak, without civic amenities, and grim in a neo-brutalist way.
The first wave of settlers were either London overspill, or Reggie Perrin types seeking rural idyll w/in commuting distance from the Metrolopiss. MK Council has now so successfully embraced diversity that George Lucas is looking at shooting some scenes there for the next episode of Star Wars.
Oddly enough, Midsummer Boulevard is aligned towards the sunrise on Mid-summers day, and Silbury Boulevard points directly to the enigmatic megalithic Silbury Hill in Wiltshire. In the central piazza/concourse/atrium/whatever, there is a large mosaic which, I am reliably informed by someone who knows about such things, clearly indicates Satanic affiliations.
All in all, avoid like the plagues.
What a mean spirited and unfunny article. Not at all expected from such a good natured site like Anna Raccoons
And now that the usual suspects have taken time to be offended on behalf of those who actually lived on the “housing estates” and can recognize humour we resume normal drinking.
Please do not feel you have to be offended on my behalf, I can express my emotions adequately and laugh at myself.
That’s alright Cascadian, I’m offended on my own behalf
As is your right, though to be offended by humour seems counter-productive.
Depends whether you’re laughing with or laughing at…