Our religious correspondent has sobered up for long enough to remember that last week he was sent copies of several job applications for the position of Pope, by a man claiming to be a Butler; at the time he was too pissed to appreciate their historical significance. A belated apology for their late publication.
Mr Hack is of the opinion that he may have left several more letters of a similar nature in the saloon bar of ‘The Reluctant Pontiff’ or possibly ‘The Papal Bull and Tosh’, he is believed to have spent considerable time in both establishments that night – if any reader has mistakenly picked them up and still has them, could they print the contents in the comments section please? I am particularly interested in the one from Mar
Damn these power cuts!
Dear Vaticant and Romanians,
Do please forgive me in making this letter what like letter this thing isn’t it but what I am saying is that what I just said.
Anyway this vacancy what there is now that that Benedict Cumberbatch bloke has resigned – he was crap in “Sherlock,” what was all that bollox about anyway – and this vacancy of Pope is one for which I as an elected formerly representative of the people well I would like to put my hat in this particular ringer.
I don’t really have enough jobs and pensions – you see that is the problem with Murdoch and the press and they are all innit together with the police – so I wont to apply becoz I think I am very well prequalifiactionised and have lots of experience of High Offices, but don’t worry about banging that secretary bird on the desk, oh the press got into me on that one. Bloody Murdoch, bloody Thatcher. I’ve had me phone hacked you know.
I feel that I can give total consistency that I am in complete and ineffective agreement with your doctrine of transubstantiationism, especially clause IV.
In fact the objectives shall remain the same and indeed that has been made clear in a speech I made yesterday that the objectives are clear and the one about the removal of Dan Brown that not something we have as a clear objective to implement but it is possible a consequence that will flow from the Taliban clearly giving protection to Dan Brown. I think the UN resolution made it absolutely clear that anyone that finds Dan Brown in that position declares themselves an enemy and that clearly is a matter for these objectives.
Anyway I don’t have enough pensions and cars and pies and stuff like that at the moment and Hull, Hull, they turned me down for a big job recently, the bloody back stabbing traitors, in Hull, that is, and I want the job another job give it us but I need to me sure about how much I get a year. That Pope Mobile is no good either the misses wants another Jaguar, we only have the two. And that Italian food will have to go, I want pies.
I’ve had me bloody phone hacked, you know?
Yours,
The Right Honourable Lord Prescott
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Hi Guys!
First of all my I pay tribute to the wonderful Pope Benedict XVI. He really is a, wonderful, wonderful man, and a close, close friend of mine. Really. I know that this may seem a tad hasty. Seem that way, but really its not. I really, really admire him, you know, and I am a pretty strait kind of guy, and you know that. But anyway, if I could just say that I am a proper Catholic now. I am not bigging myself up at all, but it does seem like Fate, doesn’t it, when you look on it that way?
The thing is, not that I am putting myself forward, but Cherie (and she is a Catholic too) has been saying I have been hanging about the house a bit lately, getting on her tits (she didn’t put it like that, natch!) and frankly there is not quite enough money coming in, so…well, you know?
I know being married seems like a problem, but Cherie is only my “wife” in a purely technical “legal” way, which doesn’t matter, and I can promise that there is plenty of evidence that in 45 minutes, she wont be. Probably.
If you look at CV, you will see that not only am a Catholic, a law giver, a pretty straight kind of guy and a peace maker, but I am also always honest and Divinely Guided. In fact, I speak to God regularly. On my invisible telephone. He is a pretty good, guy, that God bloke.
I used to play guitar in a rock band, you know.
So, just two questions from Cherie. Do we get a private plane? And all those paintings and silver and gold artifacts. Cherie has a special place to keep them, so you wouldn’t mind if she kept them safe for you, would you? Oh, and one extra thing. Those Swiss Guards. Have you ever thought about invading anyone? Y’know? It’s really cool, invading people.
Yours, really, really sincerely,
“Tony” Blair
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Dear Sirs,
I find myself currently contemplating a change of career, for reasons which I have accounted for, and which happened some time ago. I would like to apply for the soon to be vacant position of Pontiff.
I completely agree with and abide by all the Holy Mother Church’s teaching, including those on abortion. I am scrupulously honest.
I must point out that in the event that I am successful I will not be able to fulfil my Papal Duties in person for the next few months, due to a forthcoming commitment.
Your sincerely,
Christopher Huhne, esq.
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Guys!
I understand you need a new Pope. Just an idea; what about “Pope Idol”. You know? It’s got legs. Give it the big treatment on a Saturday night and maybe we can split the revenue from the phone votes? I don’t want the bloody Louis Walsh on the panel though, he’s a twat. Get your people to call my people, OK?
Simon
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Dear CARDINALS, members of the most HOLY Papal Conclave
From the Sisters of Alternative Consolation, GREETINGS! May you be blessed and Divinely Guided by the Holy Spirit in your deliberations upon the to be elected BISHOP of ROME and Keeper of the Rule.
Can I just say. My SPECIAL FRIEND Gildas is a bit shy, so I thought I would put his name forward for him. And that incident with the “Strippagram” and the mop: it was all a MISUNDERSTANDING. I have quite forgiven him.
He would be like dead Totes Amaze, OMG good!
Looking forward to La Duce Ryvita soon!
Tra la laaaa!
In love and light!
Sister Eva Longoria
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Randy Hack is a well known wit, raconteur and bon viveur. His books include “Let’s Get Trollied,” “Drink Yourself Sober” and the Sunday Times No 1. Best Seller “Retox Your Life with Randy Hack”.
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With the horse – meat scandal currently hogging the headlines , perhaps a little Papal Bull might help to assuage matters .
Dear Vatican Enclave,
I’m technically eligible, despite being a bit light in the loafers. I’ll be waiting for their call.
Those curtains will have to go though, the Swiss guard are a sweet bunch of lads so they can stay, but the uniforms might have to be made a little more snug and a little less materially. Think more Chippendale-y. All those rules though, tut, tut, tut, need to be a bit more LGBT-friendly – and condoms, well, you know what they say “Don’t be daft, don’t be silly, put a condom on your willy”.
Personally, I think I would be absolutely fabuloso.
Yours,
JG
P.S. I’ve got the baptism certificate around here somewhere along with my 1978 school report.
P.P.S That whole thing with those accusations and counter-accusations between Father Ingatius and Mother Incontinentia was just a misunderstanding. I was only 12, so how was I to know that you weren’t meant to pee in it.
Dear Vatican
I would like to apply for the position of Pontiff. I am recently retired but have a few years of service ahead of me. I have plenty of travel experience and am used to meeting heads of state. I am single, as good as. I have been described as a woman, but am prepared to undergo whatever surgery is necessary to qualify for the job, though it may not be necessary. I am a quick study and should have no trouble getting up to speed on Catholic doctrines.
Yours Sincerely
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Can we expect the Catholic change with the next Pope? I don’t really think so. Cardinal Marc Ouellet, formerly the archbishop of Quebec City, has the best odds of replacing Pope Benedict XVI, but he is an extremely conservative man who will definitely not want the Catholic church to change. He is expected to be a carbon copy Pope Benedict XVI.
I’ve got my friend ChasC working on a new version of the Ratshitter Rap. Coming soon (hopefully)!
Randy for Pope! Excellent post…
Randy Pope? It probably wouldn’t be the first time…
I agree – an excellent post, and kudos for being so quick off the mark!
However, I think Sister Eva is right; our own dear Gildas is the obvious candidate.
It’s a shame Dave Allen is no longer with us. He would have livened up the Vatican no end.
Or Father Ted’s Bishop Brennan?
My broadband failed and I was excommunicated for a while. But Savonarola had similar problems with an earlier version of Ratburger (or is it horseburger?) and look how he ended up! So what I’m saying is I’d make a good chief exec of the Cathoholic business empire – I’m numerate, can spell (sometimes) and an atheist, so pretty much fully qualified. But I bet they end up with some religious numpty who won’t understand the modern world and the need for change.
Dear Conclave,
Religious fanatics want people to switch off their own minds, ignore the evidence, and blindly follow a holy book based upon private ‘revelation’. I will fight against this and so work to reduce the perils of the mass media. The question of whether there exists a supernatural creator, a God, is one of the most important that we have to answer. I think that it is a scientific question. My answer has been No, but I am not infallible….. yet.
It would be intolerant if I advocated the banning of religion, but of course I never have. With this job, I never would. Think about it. You know it makes sense.
Yours,
Richard Dawkins
Dear Conclave,
I apply for the job of Pope. As you will no doubt know, I have much experience in bringing faith to the ungodly, even that other chuckle brother feller I worked with after the Good Friday Agreement. Indeed, he was such a jolly fellow, I now feel I may have been a bit hasty with cracks about Popery made in my impetuous youth. My position on gay marriage is clear – NEVER, NEVER, never, never… I may not be a sprightly youth, but that seems no bar to poping.
Hoping to hear from you soon,
Rev. Ian Paisley.
IMPORTANT COMMUNICATION FROM THE OFFICE OF:
The Rt. Hon. Anointed, Blessed and Ennobled Lord,
Baron of Goy and Hartlepool
and High Steward of Hull,
Peter Benjamin Mandelson.
Hullo,
It is quite right and natural that the recently vacated position of
Pontiff should be ceded to me. I can modestly say that there is no one
more holier-than-thou than my good and worthy self.
My extensive experience in forming intimate relations with young males
would be in sympathy with the known habits (a holy jest there, or maybe
a holey vest, but I digress) of the Catholic clergy.
I am a well known and admired celibate, so there would be no fear that
the Pontificacy would be tarnished by accusations that I may have lain
with a woman.
Perhaps I may also be so bold as to suggest that since the early
Christian faith thrived within communes, then my membership of the
Communist party might also make me a fitting choice for this role.
For many years, many have congratulated me on how well I pontificate
in life and feel this rare attribute would also make your decision to
appoint me hard to reason against.
I propose that the modernisation of the church be carried out forthwith.
I have much experience in conducting focus groups to reach a predefined
decision and I am confident that I can deliver the following modernisations
for you at cost price.
I hereby issue my first Papal Bull:
o Rebranding is essential in this modern age so the following changes
will be made.
- “Catholic” and “Catholic Church” will be renamed to “LuvCommunity“.
- “Church” will be changed to “LuvSite“.
- “Cathedral” will be changed to “MegaLuvSite“.
- “Sacrament” will be changed to “LuvEvent“.
- “Baptise” will be changed to “LuvStart“.
- “Funeral” will be changed to “UltiLuv“.
- “Wedding” will be changed to “LuvLink“.
- All members of the faith will be known as Luvvy in the singular or
Luvvies in the plural.
o Make “Thou Shallt Be Gay” the eleventh commandment.
o Legalise all gay relations and lower the age of consent so that no
one can complain about abuse.
o Modify clerical clothing to be more revealing and figure hugging.
o Put all LuvEvents (sacraments) on easily accessible internet sites.
o Increase the church’s diversity by enforcing fixed quotas
of 25% Moslems, 25% Hindus and 25% Jews and 25% Satanists.
o Improve revenues by .
- charging tithes on all LuvEvents .
- charging tithes on membership of the faith.
- charging entrance tithes at the doors of all LuvSites.
- charging renewal tithes every year for membership and the
effectiveness of LuvEvents.
My young Portuguese speaking companion can testify as to how well fitting I am.
I realise how aware you are that I am so worthy. Presumably you will send a papal
Lear jet to collect me from one of my multi-million pound mansions tomorrow.
Yours in expectation,
The Rt. Hon. Anointed, Blessed and Ennobled Lord,
Baron of Goy and Hartlepool
and High Steward of Hull,
Peter Benjamin Mandelson.
Dear Conclave,
Now is the time for a Woman Pope. You know this makes sense. And one in the eye for that other lot. Ha Ha.. I am a bit old, but I’ve still got my marbles. I look good in white, and I’ve always had a passion for red shoes, which sadly I have often been unable to indulge due to financial restraints and a long term fag habit. That’s Brit Speak for cigarettes, by the way.
I would like to be Pope Elena The First.
Yours faithfully
Elena ‘andcart.
PS. You can drop the ‘andcart as this might lead to misunderstandings about the end result.
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