My, but the Police are unhappy this morning. Bawling their eyes out in fact.
The Assistant Commissioner, Simon Byrne, has described Detectives as ‘Constables in T-shirts and jeans’ thereby upsetting everyone. The detectives are upset at the insinuation that they are no better than your ‘ornery, plodding the streets, copper; when the fact that they mostly worked office hours and didn’t have to spend frosty mornings cleaning up the vomit on the back seat of their Panda had led them to believe that they were a cut above, special even – and the rank and file, those that are expected to fulfil every function under the sun from mental health expert to social worker to diplomat in the full unforgiving gaze of the public eye are equally pissed off to find that their white-collar – or T-shirt and jean clad - colleagues had actually been looking down on them all this time. A stroke of genius AC Byrne. Even Gordon Brown struggled to piss off everyone simultaneously.
Personally, and at the risk of having on-line Plod land firmly on my head, I think he is right. Whilst there will always be a call for highly specialised branches of investigation like fraud, or art theft – it does seem ridiculous to have a caste system within the police, whereby the front line copper who knows every car thief on his patch is not considered capable of investigating a car theft. Considering that all detectives start life as constables, they didn’t magically acquire a higher intelligence when they made it to DC, merely more training – so why not train all policemen to the same level?
But if Byrne has upset the delicate balance of one up-man ship within the police force, his next suggestion will generate endless headlines. He wants to station front desk police inside supermarkets and post offices. It probably sounded sensible in the think tank, why have special buildings just to report a crime, why not have the facility where the people already are? Probably because he had never investigated the caste system that operates within British supermarkets. If you own a multi-million pound house in Islington, you don’t do your shopping in Lidl or the local Poundshop, that’s why. If the burglary in your multi-million million pound house in Islington has traumatised you, that is as nothing to being forced to jostle in the queue at Poundland along with the overweight Kylie’s and Craig’s in order to report the incident. The fun will really start when the Guardian run articles explaining why Sharon didn’t report that an ageing celebrity shouted ‘wot abaht it darlin’ at her 30 years ago because ’she didn’t feel at ease in Waitrose’ with all those posh people…
Anybody would think that the police were just a commodity, to be displayed alongside the turnips…I didn’t realise until I started looking into this that Tesco’s already sponsor police cars and build police stations.
Shall we have ‘seven or less crimes to report’ desks, or ‘self reportage’ aisles with scanners for your ankle tag? Tannoy announcements for ‘Plod to aisle seven please’? Will you be able to get a home delivery of a policeman? ‘Ask a Policeman’ reduced to ‘Where’s the Baked Beans’? Extra Nectar points for the habitual offender?
I foresee hours of fun from this one, still at least the doughnuts will be handy. Where’s a policeman when you need one? At the doughnut counter…
A special prize for the best good humoured one liner on this subject today. Probably a doughnut!
Ms Raccoon lives in the Monbazillac area of South West France, renowned for its fine wines and gourmet food, so she frequently finds better things to do than sit in front of a computer all morning. She is liable to take off traveling at a moment's notice. Consequently this blog only gets updated these days when it is raining - and it doesn't rain very often round here...
{ 31 comments }
Extra points if we blow into our own bags? (no I don’t mean the wife)
‘seven or less crimes to report’
at Waitrose it would of course be ‘seven or fewer’.
Gosh. I see you have mastered the wordless cut and paste, old girl.
PC Twinkle-toes checks shelves for “steal-by” dates.
“Would you like a hand with your shopping, Sir?”
“I ain’t no grass, copper, I ain’t seen nowt”.
Where’s the BOGOF?
Maybe our AC is a G&S fan and is trying to prove that ‘a policeman’s lot is not an ‘appy one’.
Will you be able to get a home delivery of a policeman?
Noooooooooooooooo!
How many doughnuts can you fit onto a policeman’s truncheon ? More, we assume, if he’s on parade and standing to attention.
“Considering that all detectives start life as constables, they didn’t magically acquire a higher intelligence when they made it to DC, merely more training – so why not train all policemen to the same level”
Hmmm…makes sense only if you ignore demonstrable benefits from the division of labour and specialisation. Private industry would never consider this approach, you wouldn’t get the sales team trained up to do the payroll and stocktaking and every other function. You want all cops trained to the same level? Seriously? You want to train them in EVERY specialist role, traffic, counter-terrorism, computer forensics, narcotics, domestic violence, family liaison, source handling, covert ops, computer network crime, wildlife crime, environmental crime, public order, sexual crime etc etc etc etc? If this is such a self-evidently good idea, then why doesn’t the much more cost efficient private sector so the same thing? Detectives don’t feel they are a cut-above the rest any more than anyone else in a specialist unit. They do feel that they are (and blardy well should do) a cut above the rest in their sphere of working…if they are not then their (often eye-wateringly expensive) training and experience is wasted. Have you ever looked at the manual for investigating serious crime? You seem to be suffering the same myopia that politicians suffer from. A failure to recognise that the world has changed dramatically from the days of Dixon of dock green. International terrorism, computer crime, armed street gangs, even cross border crime didn’t even exist. Not taking into account the crimes that were occurring but ignored for fear of scaring the horses (domestic violence, child abuse, hate crime etc).
Yes, undoubtedly the police are more aloof and distant from the public but the (absolutely flipping correct) demands for more accountability means MUCH more form filling in, meaning less time to actually interface with the public.
Yes, and surely it would make recruitment harder if there weren’t the specialist roles. My niece is a copper working close to London in a field that is so secret that family are not allowed to know (counter terrorism, I think). She has a degree in math and physics and previously trained as a army officer at Sandhurst, although she eventually decided that leading convoys in Afghanistan was not her cup of tea. I suspect that she would not be attracted to routinely cleaning vomit in Panda cars.
My brother in law was a detective constable for 18 years, because if he did the sergeant’s exam, he would have to go back in uniform. Eventually he did make sergeant and was happy to act as a father figure to the young coppers.
He’s not a Mason, then?
That’s the trouble with shopping. Sooner or later you always end up paying the bill.
A cracker Moor…!
Nice one Mr. Larkin!
“I do a lot of shopping in Lidl, always transfer the goods into Waitrose bags though, well you’ve got to keep up appearances, haven’t you?”
Courtesy of RAB @Counting Cats
“Over the wall we go! All coppers are bastards”
How many Nectar Points do I get on my driving licence for a speeding offence?
Speed traps for trolleys..”Who do you think you are then sir…Dale Winton?
“Do you smell bacon?”
Aisle three, Sir.
‘Less than ten items’ checkout for the shoplifters?
I think you are being a bit harsh about Tesco Anna.
Every little helps!
It has always been a bit of a mystery how various coppers get selected for promotion, what indefinable quality that they allegedly possess that sets them apart from the herd.
Many, however, are career uniform specialists, who would be affronted at the thought of doing pure detective work on one of the specialist squads.
Lastly, the view that uniform officers don’t investigate cases is wrong. Many get saddled with all sorts of complex matters that the CID won’t deal with. The lines are blurred these days. The cross section of the police reflects society as a whole more closely. There are many graduates, I know of three who have either ‘passed the bar’ or their Legal Practice Course, several who have a Master’s degree, multiples who have passed the Sergeants Exam (I knew one ‘old sweat’ who had passed the Sergeants, Inspectors AND had qualified as a solicitor and was still a uniformed Constable, perhaps because his face didn’t fit (or he wasn’t a Mason).
Simon Byrne always was a twerp…
Would the Police desk have to display a Cell-By-Date?
Inspired!!
He wants to station front desk police inside supermarkets and post offices.
*************
I don’t see what all the fuzz is about.
Cop shop?
But presumably they’ll be cardboard coppers, just like the ones already trialled in supermarkets. The real ones will still be filling in forms, only venturing out to nick you for selling gollywogs.
XX The detectives are upset at the insinuation that they are no better than your ‘ornery, plodding the streets, copper;XX
AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!
That is EXACTLY what they are!
EVERY policeman exists to “support the man on the beat”. A Detective Constable is a CONSTABLE!
No better, no worse!
The times I have been a hairs breadth away from punching someone in the nose when they say “My Cousin (Fill in with whatever relationship) has been “promoted” to detective.”
NO HE BLOODY HAS NOT!!!
He has been given permission to turn up at work in a civy suit, or, as written, in jeans and T-Shirt. OTHER than that, he is a bog standard constable, the same as the guy on the beat, on the motor-bike, dragging a dog, or collectiong fingerprints.
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