Brown reveals new Balls in bid to secure Family.

Gordon Brown pitched his Balls firmly into the election battle yesterday, in what has been described as a ‘U’ turn, but is more of a screeching, smoke belching, chav-like, hand-brake ‘wheelie’ performed in the cul de sac which is Labour’s appeal to the family vote, for the gratification of a dwindling audience.

Thanks to a mis-directed e-mail, I have a copy of the embargoed speech by the One-eyed King to the Land of the Blind prepared to accompany the Green paper ‘On the Family’ to be released on December 31^st.

+++ EMBARGOED TO 01.00 31ST December 2009 +++

At the stroke of the midnight hour, whilst the world sleeps, Labour will awake to a brave new future. We, the chosen ones, shall arise from the carnage of Thatcherism which has blighted our first 12 years in power. No more shall Margaret’s shadow cast us in gloom. We shall be masters of our own destiny.

We shall spend unearned riches in pursuit of our dream. We shall raid the coffers of the bankers, the Etonion toffs, the fox hunters, the capitalists who set up companies to enslave you.

A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when our people can escape from the nicotine stained mortals, the misery of inexplicable obesity, the global warming which has seen so many of you frozen to blocks of ice as you clustered round your new plasma screens, the infidel cheap alcohol purveyors; yeah, and the yoke of employment, the burden of repaying debts to evil bankers, and lead our children into the promised land.

Long ago, we prepared for this moment, we made a tryst with destiny and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially; we banned the sale of all cigarettes within 20 miles of the Olympic village, we evicted the purveyors of alcohol, and set in their place the Temples of Tofu, certified untouched by nicotined fingers, reared by repentant rain forest loggers, and provided to you without charge by a friend of our dear Lord Peter in exchange for the carbon credit from that place up in Redcar as a token of his true commitment to my role as glorious Leader.

We shall call this new land Sanctimonia©, a sovereign nation representing the sovereign people of Chavland. Before the birth of Sanctimonia© we endured all the pains of labour capitalism and our hearts are heavy with the memory of this sorrow. Some of those pains continue even now. Nevertheless, the past is over and it is the future that beckons to us now. That future is not one of ease or resting but of incessant indebtedness so that we may fulfil the pledges we have so often taken and the one we shall take today.

Comrade Ballsup has undergone an epiphany, and confessed his sins in believing that supporting the idea of having two parents for each child would be seen as judgemental or discriminatory. He now embraces the concept of the Samily©, where same sex partnerships who undertake the sacred task of raising Nu-Labour voters, selected from the august pages of the Guardian’s directory of one eyed, multi-coloured, behaviourally challenged, crack addicted, HIV positive, innocent souls incarcerated in the UK Border Agencies concentration camps for Eurostar underclingers who claim to be under 16, can be inducted in the ways of the true believers. Our new policy will highlight the advantages of these Samilies© sticking together and claiming their full quota of DLA, and Housing Benefit, which has now been extended to cover the cost of renting mansions in Westminster from the fleeing Bankers, and that sad minority of homophobic married couples who still cling to the outmoded concept of copulating with a member of the opposite sex.

On this day our first thoughts go to the architect of this freedom, the Father of Sanctimonia,© The Great and Noble Lord Mandelson, and his close friend Dame Dora Thea, who held aloft the torch of freedom and lighted up the darkness that surrounded us. We have often been unworthy followers of his and have strayed from his message, but not only we but succeeding generations, thanks to our introduction of compulsory ‘inclusive’ sex  education to 7-year olds, will remember this message and bear the imprint in their hearts of this great son of Sodom, magnificent in his faith and strength and courage and humility.

Our next thoughts must be for the unknown taxpayers and slaves to the old order, who, without praise or reward, have served Sanctimonia© even unto death.

We think also of our brothers and sisters, Conservative voters, but good men and woman at heart, who have been cut off from us by political boundaries and who unhappily cannot share at present in the utopia that has come. They are of us and will remain of us whatever may happen, and we shall be frequent raiders of their depleted coffers.

We rejoice in this utopia, even though the black clouds of the world outside Sanctimonia© surround us, and many of the people outside our sturdy gates are sorrow stricken and difficult problems encompass them.

The future beckons to us. Whither do we go and what shall be our next endeavour?

Press the Red Button on your remote handset to decide.