Such is my confidence in NuLabour’s congenital immersion in the world of verbal obscurity, that I am labelling this Issue 1. It is likely to be a long series, and I am happy to take contributions for future issues.
So, today we kick off with ‘lost’. According to my Thesaurus:
Adj.
1.
lost – no longer in your possession or control; unable to be found. To pass out of sight; vanish.
According to Hazel Blears, referring to the money invested by local authorities in the Icelandic Landsbanki bank, money which is no longer in the possession of the local authorities, nor under their control, nor can they find it; it has passed out of their sight, and would appear to have vanished:
Hazel Blears:
I am sure that the hon. Gentleman is aware that the money held with the Icelandic banks is not money that has been lost; it is money that could be at risk. 3 Mar 2009 : Column 713
By this definition, Madeleine McCann is not lost, merely ‘could be at risk’.
Anna is the landlady of the Raccoon Arms. She lives in the Monbazillac area of South West France and still takes a keen interest in British politics.
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Not lost but gone before?
Hazel Blears …. Neddie Seagoon’s daughter.
Separated at birth?
It is a wonderful photograph isn’t it Saul?
Hazel Blears – not lost, merely at RISK
1. of losing, no, risking the potential and totally unforseeable possible elimination from her parliamentary seat…..
2. of losing, no risking her potential and totally possible removal from office/ home/ garden/ the world by men in possibly white coats but could be mistaken for slightly off magnolia suits …..
After the performance of the last few minutes, I think young Harriet Harman is over qualified for both versions of ‘lost’. Hague demolished her at PMQ’s……….
She looks like she has eaten all the pies. Not just her own pies but everybody else’s!
Janes! You are too kind in referring to her as Titian. She is not Titian ……….. she is definitely a rather harsh ginger. A ‘ginner’ for sure.
What a horrible arrogant woman she is. It must be horrible for her to wake up looking like that every day. I swear that I would not even leave my own home if I looked like that.
Anna Raccon says: ……… ”By this definition, Madeleine McCann is not lost, merely
It is imperative that we get rid of the Snaggletooth Brigade immediately. I cannot remember a time when we had such a bunch of hoods running this bloody country ……………… Well ……………. not since the last shower of sh*t that Thatcher had to take over from.
Maggie! Get out of that wheel-chair! Arise I say and give Cameron your breath.
She looks like she has eaten all the pies. Not just her own pies but everybody else
Listening to Brown in America at the mo – I want to hang myself
Put Brown in America off
Blink – I believe Coco has some cheese-wire.
Hollywood Gordon saves the world.
Darlings! I hope you don’t think that I was referring to the jowelly bits that she shares with Gordie Bruney ……………….. I mean her pasty pallor. That green about the gills look that she has. But I bet her breath smells of mothballs because she is so full of sh*t. Another thing she shares with Bruney.
Gordie Bruney! Get off the World’s stage this instant. I am embarrassed by your pathetic manner. Obama makes you look like a complete frumpy chump.
In fact my new name for the Government is the Frumpy Chumps!!! They are a slothful and scruffy bunch of Oicks! And I don’t just mean the women!!!
God bless us and save us! If not – just let Iran nuke us into oblivion. Oblivion is our best option at the moment.
Cameron – I am right behind you! (I am sure that this will be of some comfort for you!!!)
Dear Jim
Please, please, please, please, please will you Fix It for me to meet President Obama of America and go to the Whitehouse and speak on telly like a proper politician.
Thank you very much.
Gordon Brown.
Now now boys and girls! Boys and girls! Now then! Now then! You see I can’t fix it for Gordie to do anything anymore …………… He is how we say at the BBC ………… a non-runner. And I want my track-suit back.
Ms Smudd, you no longer look like a frumy chump, have you retired from politics? Now you look more like a slick chick.
Blink 03.04.09 at 5:20 pm
Put Brown in America off
********************************************************
Gordie Bruney’s body lies a-molding in the grave that’s just been dug!
Gordie Bruney’s body lies a-molding in the grave that’s just been dug!
And he ain’t crawling out no more! Lah lah lah la la la la la la la lah
I would have liked to see Gordon use the Freddie Starr hand shear movement to control the applause.
Janes ………………. Ms Smudd has switched parties! She is now a fully-fledged member of the Commentariat and holds a position which we cannot discuss just yet . ……………………. Suffice it to say that Jacqui Schmidt’s days are numbered.
Janes ……………….. Would you please accept being in charge of the Armed Forces and the Police for us? You will have five times the current budget.
I will be in charge of the veteran’s hospital and the rehabilitation of soldiers programme.
We will get you a more up-to-date tank for official duties. You can have two Jaguars for doing your own shopping and personal stuff.
I don’t have to join the Conservative party do I?
I am merging the police and Army together. Remember Russia before the late 80s? A bit like that ……………… But with bigger guns and higher-voltage Tasers.
I’ve ust got to do the bloody interviews! I am struggling to read their CVs. I so wish I hadn’t asked the police to send hand-written ones! The Army applicants are looking good though.
No Janes! That’s a ruse! We are the Commentariat Party. More of a meritocracy really. But we get two bites of the turnip and and an ounce of swede every day.
(Technically it could take many years to reconstitute a full Bjorn Borg – but it will be done! An ABBA could take a lot longer.)
Saul! Have you been watching day-time TV too? I saw him on Anal Titmarshmallow the other day. Still a nutter on telly but fab live.
janes – I owe my new look to a do-it-yerself chemical peel, a few jabs of bum fat where the sag was worst and a job-lot of botox; oh, and changing my avatar to a photo of Gloria Swanson. No more ‘frumy’ (sic) chimp for me, although as you point out, I was looking frumy enough to be Ministerial material, wasn’t I?
I must admit to a certain amount of daytime TV watching. This is just to allow myself to release some stress by transferring my ire. My latest targets are the joint smugness of Nicky Campbell, followed by the even more smug, the Eggheads. It is about time some boffin invented a TV that would allow the viewer to reach inside it and deliver a few well aimed and well earned Slaps!
Gloria – your new look is very ‘Penelope’, are you sure it’s Swanson? And vis-
Actually, I don’t smoke any more but I’m so frozen by botox I can’t get the dratted tab out of my bloomin’ mouth. And I can only see if I pull the corner of my left eye, as per Ms Swanson.
It is about time some boffin invented a TV that would allow the viewer to reach inside it and deliver a few well aimed and well earned Slaps!
………………
Which Egghead would get the first Slap, Saul? (my money’s on … CJ)
Pay that winner out.
Perhaps Coco could reach in and give the one with untidy hair a bit of a trim.
And the name of a good cosmetic dentist …
With my brand new set of razor-blades?
Saul, how very dare you sully the name of my good friend Mr. Seagoon.
There is no way on god’s earth that Neddy could have been so dim to spawn anything so odiusly repellent as the red dwarf Blears.
Anna, please remove that photo forthwith. My breakfast was almost at risk all over the keyboard.
I have just uncovered a plot.
Neddie was drugged by Hercules Grytpype -Thynne and Count Jim Moriarty. The dastardly plan was to steal his sperm to create a Strolling Prime Minister of No Fixed Address.
Saul! Enough of these horrid ideas when delicate tummies are digesting morning morsels of Marmite. I almost joined Henry in a hurl at your last suggestion.
The clues are there…..The Duck’s Disease. The constant uttering of..
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat…Yesyesyesyesyesyes..
I rest my case Vera, what think you?